6 Reasons It’s So Hard to Build New Habits
Habits are the building blocks of our lives. They are the manifestation of our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. There is great power in cultivating healthy habits for reducing stress and cultivating calm.
If you’re not happy with your current life, look to your habits.
If you want to experience more joy, ease and contentment in your life, look to your habits.
If you’re experiencing stress, overwhelm and anxiety, look to your habits.
What current habits support your wellbeing and foster a sense of calm, ease and happiness?
What current habits don’t support your wellbeing and exacerbate your stress?
I'm guessing like me, you might have habits that both help and hinder you in living a deeply fulfilling life. Hopefully less of the latter.
Healthy, supportive and nourishing habits that support and boost our wellbeing could be: a daily mindfulness or meditation practice, regular exercise, good quality sleep, limited time on social media, social connection, eating healthy nourishing food, time for self-expression or creativity, attending regular therapy or practising cognitive-behavioural strategies, good financial and time management habits and so on.
Habits that hinder or detract from our wellbeing could be: procrastination, going to bed too late, hitting snooze too many times, running late, too much time on social media, physical inactivity, mental habits (rumination, worrying etc), snapping at the kids, drinking too much alcohol, emotional eating, gambling, online shopping and so on.
Heathly habits are 100% helpful and necessary in reducing stress, overwhelm and anxiety. They support us to foster greater ease, joy and contentment in our lives.
But why is cultivating positive new habits and releasing unhelpful ones so hard?! Good question.
1. Most people don't know how to create new habits effectively.
We weren’t provided with a healthy ‘habits’ instruction manual at birth. If healthy habits weren’t role modelled in your family growing up or you aren’t married to a behavioural scientist or psychologist, then I’m guessing you’ve been left to figure it out yourself through trial and error and self-help. We simply aren’t taught the best way to form new healthy habits and how to kick old, unhealthy ones. We aren’t taught about what drives our behaviour and habits (e.g. thoughts, feelings and beliefs).
Have you promised yourself that each Monday you’ll start exercising more, meditate daily or go to bed early? To barely get through one day of your new habit? Don’t worry, me too.
2. We get hooked on thoughts and feelings that take us away from healthy habits.
This continues the pattern of defaulting to our old (and unhelpful) habits. We aren’t taught the power of the mind and how our inner critic can sabotage our behaviour and derail us. We aren’t taught how to notice what thoughts are helpful and unhelpful and that ultimately we get to chose the actions and decisions we take. Seldom do we connect with our values and what is important to us and let these guide us in taking committed action. Of course, unless we are taught how.
Ready to start your new daily habit of meditation, only to wake in the morning after a late night to your alarm, roll over and hit snooze. In your mind a voice tells you “I’m sooooo tired, I’ll start tomorrow.” Sound familiar? I get it, it happens to me too! When we don’t recognise this voice for what it is and get hooked by it, we allow it to derail us and delay starting and/or sustaining our new habit.
3. We keep waiting for that elusive internal motivation to start and maintain the new habit.
I see this one all the time and it’s one that held me back for years. We expect to feel internal motivation when we want to form a new habit that we know will help us and be good for us. We wait for this motivation to get started. When that motivation doesn’t come, we think “I’ll put it off until I feel like doing it.” Or when we realise we don’t feel motivated, we make excuses - the good old “it’s raining so I can’t go today, I’m too tired, I don’t have enough time.” Or we buy all the gear to entice and motivate us into the habit. Purchasing fancy new yoga pants or running shoes sound familiar?
What are you still putting off starting that you know will reduce your stress and support your wellbeing? Don’t expect new habits to feel easy! Stop expecting or relying on motivation if you truly want to change your life.
4. We aren’t fully committed to the habit.
When we really check in about how important this habit (or change) is to us, we notice resistance or a voice that says “I know I’m not going to do it” or “I’ll never be able to stick with it.” Sound familiar? Instead of giving up on the habit, this is the time to go deeper. Much deeper. What is the WHY behind the habit? How much do you want what the new habit promises to provide? What is the upside of NOT forming this habit? There is always an upside of staying stuck in our old habits. For example, I love my warm bed. When I press snooze and don’t get out to meditate, I get to stay in my cosy, warm bed. The motivation (and instant gratification) of staying in bed wins out against practising meditation.
Forming a new habit is creating change. Change is unfamiliar, the brain likes familiar. It’s job is to keep you safe in the known - even when a habit isn’t the best choice or the most supportive one available to us.
5. We're still attached to our old identity and beliefs.
If you’re new habits aren’t sticking, you may have bought into stories and beliefs about WHO I AM? E.g I’m a night owl, I’m a procrastinator, I’m terrible with money, I’m always late, I’m a stress head, I’m a worrier, I never follow through etc. These identities and beliefs are so deeply wired in our subconscious mind that they drive our behaviour. So while our conscious mind says “I want to start meditating/exercising/tapping every morning because I know it’s good for my mental health,” there are a series of beliefs, stories and identities still playing outside of our conscious awareness that control our actions. We are literally just showing up according to our identities. To change this we have to change the script and stories about who we are being.
6. We aim too high and too fast, we fail and give up.
Followed often by beating ourselves up and so the cycle begins again. We decide to try again, we set the bar too high and we don’t get the desired outcome. We get told constantly to dream big but in reality achieving our goals and cultivating change is a series of small steps that add up over time. Think of it like compound interest! The body builder didn’t get their bulky muscles overnight, the Olympic athlete didn’t wake up an Olympian, the millionaire didn’t make all of the money in one day. Their lives and their results are driven by a series of daily habits and choices repeated.
What if there was another way? What if the very first step was just putting on your runners (not going for the walk/run)? What if the first step was to commit to closing your eyes for 1 minute instead of 20? What if you woke up 5 minutes earlier instead of 5am?
While it mind sound difficult and complex, changing habits is possible and actually required in order to create a life of less stress, overwhelm and anxiety. It’s not sexy, but it starts with very small baby steps. It gets easier over time with habit mastery. Success and confidence building and maintaining one new healthy habit breeds success and confidence into the next. Once you learn the process and can identify where you’re slipping up and course correct, things start to shift!
Forming healthy habits requires these THREE things:
Understanding basic human behaviour and how the mind works.
Knowing the specific process, likely set backs and practising strategies that work.
Taking committed, consistent action.
What are you in the habit of?
What habits would you like to cultivate in 2022?
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